As I'm writing this 4 hours into a 7 hour Megabus ride and because I've spent the last 3 years basically living on them, I feel it's only appropriate for me to spread my knowledge from the orange dotted blue seats of the M12 Leeds to London.
#1 - Do not sit near the toilet
It only took one ride from Leeds to Newcastle for me to realise that this was a terrible idea and then one ride back to question why I had ever tempted fate.
There is an unspoken rule of coach travel: Do not shit in the loos. But when you gotta go you gotta go. And I'd much rather annoy a couple cuddling asleep on their seat, tired from their exhaustive 45 minute ride to Sheffield than hold in the absolute log for the next two and a half. But the last thing you want to be is sat next to that biological hazard when it departs for the great beyond. Which brings me onto my next toilet tip...
#2 - Handgel, bring it
If you're going to be doing this on the regular, you're going to want to arm yourself with an assortment of various different items to ensure you're not bored or hungry or on the brink of absolute insanity. But a surprisingly useful pro-tip. Alcohol hand gel. The sort you rub off without water and is classified as a chemical weapon by the microbe community. There's probably a 40% chance the toilets will be fully functional on any coach, and the most likely issue is sinks being broken. So rather than rubbing your dirty hands all over your WHSmith meal deal, grab some gel. Which brings me onto my final toilet based tip (swear this wasn't suppose to be a toilet thing)...
#3 - Practice your aiming technique
This is mostly one for the men. A bus driver once told me that all men should sit down, lest they want to start a fight with the coach by headbutting it mid steam because of some overly heavy footed breaking. In reality, I think every man is going to take the concussion over the cold embrace of a £3.67 porcelain thrown.
So here's my tried and tested technique. Take one arm and rest it against the wall in front of you, take your head and rest your body weight on it, hold your mighty sword with the other hand, and squat down as low as to minimise the risk of misfiring and flooding the cubical.
#4 - Practice sleeping every time
If you're doing to be doing this regularly then you should practice your napping technique. The main thing that keeps a 6 hour ride bearable is that you weren't conscious for it. After a few rides you'll get used to the technique. The important thing is when you're next to someone, make sure they seem like the type that won't rob/stab/fondle you whilst you're out. And if they do seem respectable, lean away from them, the last thing you want to do is waking up cuddled to a concerned strangers shoulder, but if you do this regular, that's an inevitability.
#5 - Meet some folk
You're never going to meet these people again, so why not strike up a conversation, it makes the ride infinitely easier to cope with and because you'll never see them again, you can reveal as much intimate or secret shit as you want. I've met psychologists and professors on my travels. Then again, I did meet a man fresh out of prison who seemed quite self assured that the arson charge he was off to defend himself from in court wouldn't send him straight back, so don't be expecting Stephen Fry types every journey.
#6 - Do not fucking Snapchat me
A couple is ok, but we all know what a motorway is. You're not taking a year out to teach poor Vietnamese kids the art of underwater basket weaving whilst spiritually finding yourself in the foothills of the country. You're hungover and coming back from a party Sheffield where you fell off a stage, damaging your hip and lost your t-shirt in a crowd of 300. Let's not kid ourselves, the only thing you've learnt is that a club where you order drinks based on what colour they are is, aside from being a great idea, a fucking terrible idea.
(Sheffield students will know what I'm on about)
#7 - Do it with someone
After travelling the length and breadth of this fine country using nothing but pocket change and eating nothing but Maccies double cheese burgers for 3 years (how I'm underweight is still beyond me), I can assure you that there is nothing that makes a journey more tolerable than doing it with a friend.
This summer, for various reasons, I had to do a night coach and bus from London to Birmingham. Aside from being one of the most tiring journeys I've done so far, I did it with my girlfriend (seen as she'll be a recurring character but I don't use names, she'll be Lei), and it made the trip bearable. I got to my destination (another 6 hour coach) having not slept in 26 hours, but it made it a damn sight easier.
So yeah, that's wasted 45 minutes more of this ride, hopefully some of that can be useful to someone. Or at the very least, a quick laugh to waste a few minutes on the Middlesborough to Manchester slug.
